nice
Ums vollständig zu machen:
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff
had been stolen. . . and replaced by exact duplicates
- Steven Wright
von ihm ist laut google auch der ganze Rest
Und der ganze rest ist noch größer:
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
How young can you die of old age?
I think I've forgotten this before.
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long"
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes"
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman'.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
When an evil masochist dies does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over" ?
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while I'm in the waiting room. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
Whatever happened to Preparations "A" through "G" ?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
The sky already fell. Now what?
Should crematoriums give discounts to burn victims ?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually.
I have an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Why isn't the word, 'phonetically' spelled with an ' f '?
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
I knew a guy who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If you are sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well, first I... I just... well, to make a long story short..."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?
My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget
How do you get off of a non-stop flight?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?
Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman
I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.. .. .. I could be eating a slow learner.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.
When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl.'
Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food?
I'm a peripheral visionary. I see far into the future.... Just way off to one side.
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Just imagine if birds were allergic to feathers.
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year".
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
My friend got arrested for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I was born by Cesarean section. But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Now I drive down the street with a herd of deer chasing me.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays 'Helter Skelter'.
If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is?
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
One time I went to a museum where all the work on display had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section ?". She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
If you tell a joke in the forest, and nobody laughs, was it a joke?
How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?
Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
