MastersForum

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The key to a successful relationship is communication. That's the First Rule. Margret's corollary to the First Rule is the Timing clause. This states that the best time to initiate a complex and lengthy talk about, say, exactly how we should go about a loft conversion is (in reverse order of preference):
- When you see that Mil is playing a game online and is one point away from becoming Champion Of The World, Mil is racing out of the house to catch a train, Mil is in the middle of trying to put out a kitchen fire, etc.
- During the final minutes of a tense thriller Mil has been watching for the past two hours. Ideally at the precise point when someone has begun to say, 'Good Lord! Then the murderer must be...'
- Just at the moment, late at night, when Mil has finally managed to fall asleep.
- In the middle of having sex

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Margret - 'This woman - "Hannah", is it? - what's she like?'
Mil - 'She seems OK.'
Margret - 'How old is she.'
Mil - 'About thirty, I think.'
Margret - 'What colour is her hair?'
Mil - 'Black.'
Margret - 'Does she smoke?'
Mil - 'Yes.'
Margret - 'YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER, DON'T YOU?'

Perfectly put into practice there, you can see, Sherlock Holmes's rule that, "Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable must be the truth."


'I'm nearly there.' Yeah. Right.

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'Let's have a look at your phone.'
'Don't touch anything,' I replied with sombre gravity.
About two minutes later when I returned from the kitchen with a cup of tea Margret glanced up at me and chattily asked, 'Can you get back things that you've deleted?'
My lips became the thinnest of lines.
Margret doesn't know what she's deleted, but does offer the solution, 'Tsk - you'll find out eventually if it's important.'

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Margret regards large sections of what we on Earth call humour as nothing but shameless mendacity.
Margret [spotting Mil picking with his fingernail at the goo left on a CD case by the price label]: 'What are you doing?'
Mil: 'I'm talking to Mark using Morse code - he's at home right now holding one of his CD cases, picking up the vibrations I'm making.'
Margret: 'No you're not, you liar. You're lying. Why do you always lie? You liar.'
Mil: 'It works by resonance. You just have to practise for a bit to be able feel the plastic quivering - go over and get that Black Grape case, press it on to your nose, and we'll see if you can pick up anything.'
(There's the briefest flicker of indecision in her eyes; offering me, for one tantalising moment, the possibility that I'm going to spend the next ten minutes - 'What about this, then? Press it on your face harder.' - having quite simply the best of times... but then she grunts.)
Margret: 'Liar. You're just a liar.'